A letter to my Grandma

Dear Grandma,

Today marks one year of the night when Dad sent a text out at midnight and got all of us on a conference call to tell us that you weren't going to be with us for very much longer.  I've been dreading today and tomorrow for a few weeks now.  But I've found that although I'm a little more sad than I have been, it hasn't hit me as hard as I thought it might.  I think it's because you being gone is a hole that I constantly feel. 

I think about you all the time.  Whenever I have a question about cooking or baking, my first thought is always about you.  I miss being able to call you and ask how you would do something.  I have your bread maker now.  You know, the one you told me for 3 years I was going to get when you moved to Duncan?  It still works.  And I smile every time I look in the recipe book that came with it because you not only kept the receipt stapled to the book, you wrote the date you bought it and where you bought it from.  That was so you.  And I like looking at your handwriting.  It makes me think about all the notes and cards I got from you over the years.  I wish I had kept more of them.  Your words of encouragement and love meant so much to me.  I will think about that every time I see your handwriting.

I think about you when I hold Daniel's hand.  He holds my hand just like you used to.  I have no idea how he picked that up from you, but I'm really glad he did.  It reminds me of all the times I sat by you at church and you would hold my hand as long as I wanted to.  Or later, all the times we would sit talking and you would reach over and put your hand in mine.  I remember how soft your hands always were.  I hope I always do.

We're going up to Duncan tomorrow.  I'm glad I get to be around Mom, Dad, Grandpa, Rick and Stephen.  We're going to go eat mexican.  Where else could we possibly go?  Whataburger maybe, but mexican seems the most fitting.  We might cry a little, but I think there will be more laughing than tears.  You left an amazing legacy in your family.  I'm going to enjoy honoring it.

I like that I get to see Grandpa when we are in Duncan now, but going to his apartment without you there always feels off.  I helped Mom put some of the stuff up in the kitchen.  We made it as easily accessible for Grandpa as we could, but I think it would have driven you nuts.  Or maybe I'm just thinking about what you would have said if someone else had tried to arrange your kitchen for you.  Ha!  That would have gone about as well as someone trying to do my kitchen for me.

I thought about you on Deanna's birthday.  I'll always be thankful that she got to share birthdays with you for a few years.  I love that every year on her birthday I'll get to tell her how she shares a birthday with my Grandma.  She won't remember you, but I have pictures.  The day she was born when you and Grandpa stayed in Oklahoma longer just so you could see her.  The year of her second birthday when you held her for a picture on your birthday.  I remember thinking when I took that picture how cool it was going to be every year to take a picture of the two of you and watch you grow older together.  Now I'll just be thankful for the years when I did get to take a picture. 

You should see my girls Grandma.  I think you just might like them a little bit.  Cali still kind of remembers you.  Cali and Hailey both remember that you made chocolate chip cookie dough.  I think it would make you smile to know that that is what they remember about you.  I made chocolate chip cookies a few weeks ago.  I had to send a picture to all the other kids.  I know they all thought about you too.

Sometimes I think that maybe we ought to have something that seems more meaningful than cookies that we all "remember" you by when we talk about you.  But honestly, your cookies and cookie dough sum up a lot about who you were.  Baking them, like you always cooked and baked for others.  I can't count the number of times I was in your kitchen when you were making food for other people.  Customizing the dough.  No chocolate for Debbie and Kristen.  No nuts for Matt and I.  Little touches that showed those you loved how much you cared for them.  And mostly, the sheer number of cookies you must have made for all of us while you could.  You knew we all loved them and you provided them.  And there was probably just a little bit of pride going on that no one could top your cookies.  And I think you would laugh to know that none of us will ever be able to make chocolate chip cookies without thinking about you!

I really miss you Grandma.  I miss hearing your voice.  I miss seeing you smile.  I miss your hugs and kisses.  I miss your laughter and watching you insist you have no idea how to play a card game that we all know you know how to play because you're the one that taught all of us.  And even though I won't ever get to see you again this side of heaven, I know that when God calls me home I'll get to hear your voice again saying, "Come here Nita.  Let's talk."  I can't wait!

Out of Nowhere--Again

I feel the need to state again that I don't post about my grief process to garner sympathy or to bring attention to myself.  I am also fully aware that losing my Grandma doesn't compare to losing a spouse, parent, or child.   I can not fathom that pain.  But I do want to put down these emotions and feelings and thoughts so that I can look back and remember the different stages I went through.  I also know that grief in someone else is something that a lot of people find hard to deal with.  If I can help someone know how to help someone who is grieving that's even better. 

For the past month or so I noticed that I was getting a lot more emotional whenever I would think about Grandma.  I had gotten to the point that I didn't feel like crying every time I thought about her, but I felt like I was beginning to go backwards.  Every time I thought about her I would get choked up.  Random songs we sang in church would make me cry.  There was no rhyme or reason.  Nothing I was doing would remind me specifically of Grandma.  The songs we sang didn't hold any special meaning necessarily.  I grew up going to church with Grandma so really any song could hold a memory of her singing if I let it.  But the instances were becoming more frequent when I would think about her and not be able to help crying. 

I asked Hubby last Sunday if he knew why I might be getting more emotional again.  I didn't know if there was part of the grief process that you start to feel this way for no particular reason.  Me being me would have felt better if I knew there was a specific reason I felt this way.  He was not helpful when he said that it is just normal to go through "waves" of grief.  (I say that very lovingly--Hubby has been an amazing support through this whole process.)  But it wasn't helpful in that I didn't have any reason other than "it's normal". 

Tuesday morning was a normal morning.  We finished everything we needed to for school, ate lunch, got things accomplished around the house.  Then about 3 in the afternoon I was reading and I had a fleeting thought about how much Grandma liked to read and I found myself unable to stop crying.  It wasn't an all-out sobbing or anything, more like the tears never really stopped.  I kept to myself in my room, mainly because my girls are very sensitive and seeing me cry makes them cry and I knew I wasn't able to handle that emotionally.  When Hubby got home and I told him how I was feeling he took over all parenting duties and left me alone.  Which was just what I needed.  I didn't want to talk about anything, I just needed time to myself.  So I tried to keep my mind busy, but occasionally thoughts of Grandma would slip in and I would cry for a while and then stop and then start again.  Nothing dramatic, I just felt like crying the whole night.  I didn't sleep well that night either.  I just couldn't turn my brain off. 

I was hoping that by Wednesday morning I would feel like myself again, but I knew as soon as I woke up that I actually felt worse.  The term "weighed down with grief" suddenly made perfect sense.  I literally felt like my entire body was weighed down.  My head felt too heavy for my neck, it required effort to lift my arms, I shuffled instead of walked because my legs didn't feel like they were working right.  My eyelids were heavy and my tongue even felt thicker.  I went ahead and did school with the girls, although we cut a couple of subjects.  My brain didn't feel like it was working and I just didn't feel like I could handle Mommy duties.  I crawled back in bed about 11 and I didn't really get out of it for the rest of the day.  Hubby came home for lunch and then I just let the girls watch movies for the rest of the afternoon.  Strangely enough, I wasn't weepy on Wednesday.  I'm not sure I cried at all that day.  But I never did feel any better.  I didn't even attempt church.  One because I didn't feel like getting ready and being around people, and two because I felt like I would just spend the entire time crying. 

I did sleep fairly well that night and when I woke up on Thursday I felt like myself again.  And I have ever since.  I'm not weepy.  I can think about Grandma again without crying.  I don't understand why it happened and apparently I'm not going to.  Although, if it does happens again I feel better prepared to handle it. 

Hubby was amazing through those two days.  He gave me space, which was exactly what I needed.  I didn't want to talk about anything and I didn't need his shoulder to cry on this time.  I just needed to be left alone until I had gotten it all out of my system.  I do wonder how I'll know if someone just needs space like I did.  I was able to tell Hubby without worrying about hurting his feelings, but I know when someone is well-meaning and wants to "do" something for someone it's not easy to tell them that you just want to be left alone.  I guess I can just hope that I can be the type of friend that if someone who is grieving wants to be left alone they feel like they can tell me without worrying about hurting my feelings.  They have enough to deal with without worrying about offending me. 

Like a Physical Blow

I was laying in bed last night before going to sleep and I started thinking about dinner for tonight.  I knew I was going to end up putting the pork chops on the George Forman grill.

Thinking about the George Forman brought a memory of my Grandma cooking steaks on the one she had.  She loved busting that thing out while we were there and she was so proud of the fact that she could make a good steak in just a few minutes.

For a heartbeat that memory made me smile.  And then I actually had to remind myself that I would never see my Grandma cooking anything over a George Forman again.  Remembering all over that I would never see her in a kitchen again felt like an actual physical blow.  Like someone had done a roundhouse kick to my chest. 

I have found myself lately skirting away from thinking about Grandma at all.  Like if I start to think about her I'll make myself think of something else.  Is that why out of the blue a random memory of her hurt so much?  Is it better to think of her as often as I can and grieve more often or to skirt the memories until one comes that I can't ignore and get all the grief out at once?  I don't know the right answer.  I wish I didn't have to know.

And once again, as much as I miss Grandma and hurt from the loss, I know that my pain is so much less compared to those who have lost a sibling, a parent, a spouse or a child.  I am reminded again that although people who have lost loved ones may seem OK on the outside, they still need my prayers.  Because if it hurts as much for me to think about my Grandma, how much more does it hurt for them?

Feelings...

You know you're singing the song in your head too!  I actually don't know that I know more than the first five words of that song!  Nope, just thought about it and I don't know anymore words!

Yesterday Hubby and the older girls and I had a great day.  We decorated the tree, did a little shopping, went to see a movie (Rise of the Guardians is awesome) and then had dinner together.  I enjoyed all of it, but I felt a little weepy all day.  The kind where I felt on the verge of tears almost constantly.  We were going so much that I didn't really try to figure out why I felt that way until after the girls had gone to bed and I had a few minutes of quiet.  And I realized that I was just missing my Grandma.

I don't know what set it off.  Maybe the decorations I put up that used to be at her house?  Maybe it was putting away her picture to put up other Christmas decorations.  Or maybe I am just sad and it has to come out sometimes.  I honestly don't know.  I wish I did.  I think I've mentioned before that this whole grief thing is new to me.  I've found myself lately thinking a lot about Grandma's last days and the pain she was in.  I have a hard time wrenching my mind off of that and remembering better times, when she was healthy.  Is that normal?  I don't know that either. 

But it got me to thinking about all the people who have lost those who they are really close to.  Parents, spouses, children.  I can't imagine that pain.  I loved my Grandma and considered myself close to her, but it wasn't the same as losing someone really close to me.  I have already found myself wishing that it didn't hurt so bad.  How does someone who loses a spouse or a child walk through that pain?  How can they function in the normal day to day life? 

If losing my Grandma teaches me nothing else, I hope that I am able to be more sensitive to those who have lost a loved one.  To remember that while they may look ok on the outside, they are still grieving on the inside.  To remember that the grief process lasts so much longer than most people realize, and to give that person the time and space they need to grieve.  To remember to guard my tongue carefully lest something I say unthinkingly causes more pain.  And to remember to show that person months and years down the road that I have not forgotten their loss.  But most importantly of all, to pray for those who are grieving, as often as I think of them.  That God would grant them a measure of peace as they wade through their new life without their loved one in it and that they would always remember how much He truly loves them. 

I think Grandma would be glad that even in her passing, she is still teaching me how to be a better person.

For my Grandma

Yesterday and today were rough.  I've been really busy getting the family packed up for a camping trip.  Which has kept me busy, but still, I'm exhausted.  Hubby says I'm probably not sleeping well, which could also account for me waking up the last two days with a headache.  I feel like there is a weight on my heart all the time.  I'll go along and be fine for several hours and then something will hit me and I'll start crying again.

I'm leaving tomorrow to start traveling to the memorial service which will be on Saturday.  Its going to be a long, but really quick trip.  I actually think we'll be driving for longer than we'll be out of the car.  But I get to travel with three siblings, my Dad and various in-laws.  I think will be good for all of us.  As long as they stay out of my space on the car seat anyway!

There have been a lot of memories of Grandma floating around in my head that I wanted to write down.

I remember baking with her.  She always let me help her, even though I know I was more of a hindrance than a help until I got older.  I don't remember her ever getting cross or upset with me when I was helping her, even when I burned six cups of sugar because I was watching tv instead of stirring.

I remember swimming a lot in their pool.  I remember that she didn't get in very often with us, but when she did she would always just sit on a step on the side.  I only learned a few years ago that she was actually terrified of the water.  She never let that show when we were little though.

I remember how cool it was to walk down to Grandma and Grandpa's to spend the night.  Grandma pretty much let me do what I wanted to!

I remember how she always let me play in her jewelry, even though some of it was expensive.  She still has the same jewelry box and I can still hear the sound of the music that would play when I would open the drawer.

I remember having our entire family together at holidays.  Grandma handled cooking for 26 people in a small kitchen with a lot of grace!

I remember once I got older how Grandma would want to "talk" to me.  Sometimes that meant that she had something she wanted to tell me about that she thought I might need to work on, but sometimes it just meant that she wanted a little one on one time with me.  It always made me feel special.

I remember watching Grandma holding my first child, her first great-grandchild.  I remember thinking how glad I was that she was still there to be a part of my children's lives.

I remember how excited she was about sharing a birthday with Baby Girl #3.  I hadn't thought of that until I was looking through pictures last night and saw one of her holding Baby Girl on their birthday.  I am glad that I will always be able to remember my Grandma on my daughter's birthday.

I remember her laugh, how she would throw her head back and just laugh without abandon.  I remember how she would tease and play with us, even when we thought we were too old to tease.

I remember her chocolate chip cookie dough, without nuts, just for me.

I remember the sound of her singing.

I remember her smile.

I remember her hugs and kisses.

I remember her.

I miss you Grandma...

Grandma

My Grandma passed away this morning.  She was diagnosed with leukemia a little over three months ago.  She was in the hospital for 2 months receiving various treatments and had been home off and on for about a month.  We thought the leukemia was in remission, but Saturday night she had to go back to the hospital and they put her in the ICU.  Once the doctors looked at all of her blood work they decided the leukemia had returned and there was no chance of curing her.  Once that diagnosis was given, Grandpa, my Mom, and her three brothers made the difficult decision to make Grandma as comfortable as possible knowing that she didn't have long to live. 

I've been hurting since I found out they were putting her in the ICU.  Even throughout her long hospital stay she was fairly healthy, other than having cancer.  A week ago she was up and walking and seemed to be doing fine.  When I heard they put her in the ICU I knew things must have taken a serious turn for the worse. 

I hurt for my Grandpa.  I can't imagine watching your spouse of 58 years be in immense pain and having to make the decision to ease her pain, even knowing that would eventually end her life. Now he is facing the rest of his life without his mate.  How do you do that?

I hurt for my Mom.  She wasn't able to make it to be with Grandma before she passed.  Even though she was with her just a few weeks ago, being several states away and not able to see Grandma one last time was difficult for her. Now she has to live the rest of her life without talking to her Mom anymore.  I can't fathom not being able to talk to my Mom.

I hurt for me.  I lived down the street from Grandma until I was 13 years old.  I have the best memories of being down at Grandma and Grandpa's house and all the fun things we got to do when we were kids.  I have warm memories of the visits I got to have with Grandma when I got older and how nice it was to be an adult with her.  The knowledge that I'll never see her on earth again, never get another hug, never see her smile makes me cry.

But through the pain I have amazing peace.  My Grandma was a Christian all of her life.  She lived her life in such a way that I know she will receive an eternal inheritance with Christ.  And even better is the knowledge that God has provided a way for me to see her again by living my life as He has commanded.  So while our time together on earth was not as long as I would have wanted, I rest in the fact that we get to spend eternity together!