Like a Physical Blow

I was laying in bed last night before going to sleep and I started thinking about dinner for tonight.  I knew I was going to end up putting the pork chops on the George Forman grill.

Thinking about the George Forman brought a memory of my Grandma cooking steaks on the one she had.  She loved busting that thing out while we were there and she was so proud of the fact that she could make a good steak in just a few minutes.

For a heartbeat that memory made me smile.  And then I actually had to remind myself that I would never see my Grandma cooking anything over a George Forman again.  Remembering all over that I would never see her in a kitchen again felt like an actual physical blow.  Like someone had done a roundhouse kick to my chest. 

I have found myself lately skirting away from thinking about Grandma at all.  Like if I start to think about her I'll make myself think of something else.  Is that why out of the blue a random memory of her hurt so much?  Is it better to think of her as often as I can and grieve more often or to skirt the memories until one comes that I can't ignore and get all the grief out at once?  I don't know the right answer.  I wish I didn't have to know.

And once again, as much as I miss Grandma and hurt from the loss, I know that my pain is so much less compared to those who have lost a sibling, a parent, a spouse or a child.  I am reminded again that although people who have lost loved ones may seem OK on the outside, they still need my prayers.  Because if it hurts as much for me to think about my Grandma, how much more does it hurt for them?