So I remember on the not so great days

I have been pleasantly surprised so far this school year, all 6 days of it, that #4 hasn't really wanted to be in the school room with us.  At the beginning of the year last year I was still holding her in my lap for the majority of school, and by the end of the year she was still sitting next to me constantly wanting something to draw or a book or something else to do.  I was pretty good at continuing a lesson for another child while helping her with what she wanted to do.  But before we started school this year I asked #4 if she was going to "do" school with us in the school room or if she was going to play by herself.  She promptly answered that she wanted to play, and she has.  She's only wandered into the school room a couple of times and when she has she hasn't stayed long.

This is what she does during school

Yesterday was one of the times she happened to come in while we were working.  #3 was finishing up with the blocks she uses for math and #4 grabbed them and was sitting on the floor playing with them.  So I'm sitting at the school table with the three older ones working and #4 on the floor playing quietly and I had a beautiful moment of "Oh yeah--this is why we homeschool."

I was surrounded by my children.  We had gotten up when we were ready to get up, not because we had to be at school on time.  Breakfast was eaten, a few chores accomplished, and a few pages read in some books because we weren't having to rush around.  There was no sending them off for the day for someone else to enjoy them.  School was started with a prayer and Bible Study because it is our school, and God is definitely allowed to be there.  They were all learning something--something I just happened to have taught them.  All by myself.  No worrying if they were being taught untruths or what they were learning from their peers.  They were peaceful.  We were a family unit, working together for something that was important to us.  It was a fantastic bubble of thought. 

See homeschooling has its ups and downs.  So far this year, again, all 6 days of it, there have only been ups.  But seeing as this is my 7th year homeschooling I know the bad days will eventually show up.  And when those bad days come I want to be able to remember that moment yesterday and remind myself of why we do what we do!

And just in case any of you know nothing about me and now think I am some sort of saint, let me just say that today #4 decided she wanted to be in my lap, and then on the chair next to me, and then my lap, and then the chair, and then color, and then draw, and then erase and I was thoroughly annoyed, although I managed to not let it show.  Small victories!

Date night--in the afternoon

Today Hubby and I were able to go on a date.  It's a bigger deal than you might think!  Not having any family around to watch our kids for free means we rarely get to go out by ourselves.

Love him!

  Before we moved we had a date night co-op going on with two other families.  One set of parents would watch all the children while the other two sets of parents went out for about 4 hours.  It would switch every month so that each set of parents was able to go out 2 out of the 3 months.  I was so thankful for that.  Out of the three couples, none of us had parents or grandparents anywhere close.  So anytime we wanted to go out we ended up paying more for a sitter than we spent on ourselves for the date.  So this co-op was a real blessing for us.

When we moved I assumed that it would take a while to find other families that we could do this with.  Not only does it take time to meet new families, but there is also finding people that we would trust our children with for four hours.  Luckily, one of the families at church wanted to do it with us.  We thought maybe another family would want to, but I ended up feeling like I was pressuring the Mom into doing it, so I dropped it.  Not that I blame her--she has two girls.  When it was their turn to watch all the kids they would get an extra 7 girls dumped on them.  Not the fairest trade off!  And doing it with just one other family, we decided that we would like to actually go out once a month.  So on two different weekends we trade kids and each of us get to go out each month.  I'm very excited!

I know you're desperately wondering what we did during our few hours to ourselves.  We went to Whole Foods!  No kidding!  I mean, we also used a gift card to go to PF Changs, my most favorite restaurant ever.  Then we went to Whole Foods, just to look around.  We had never been in before and figured going without kids first would probably be a good idea.  Cool store.  After spending $5 on powdered sugar and $7 for some cut fruit (that was amazing by the way) I decided that we could start shopping there if we didn't have to pay rent.  So we are now actively looking for an empty house to squat in.  I hear you can do that now.  We also stopped by Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory.  Not exactly Sees Candy, but it'll do.  We got chocolate to go and then went to a book store, splurged and actually bought ourselves new books.  Then we sat outside with a coffee and our chocolate and read for a few minutes.  It would have been longer, but our friends watching the girls texted and said that our neighbor had come over and was acting a little weird, asking for Hubby.  Turns out she needed a little counseling.  I blame Hubby's skills in that department for our date being cut short.  Luckily it was only by about 30 minutes!

This is how we're most likely to act when no one else is watching

Overall, it was just a low key, somewhat cheap date.  But I'm so excited that we get to do this every month.  Time spent with him is the best way to spend a day!

We might have gotten something right

The other day Hubby and I were talking on the phone to the younger girls.  Then I hear the older two in the back of the car asking if they could talk to their sisters as well.  This surprised me since just a few days before they were talking about how nice it was going to be to not have their sisters around.  Listening to them on the phone I was happy to hear them be genuinely interested in what the little ones were doing and they engaged #4 in a real conversation. 

I had a nice "ah ha" moment where I turned to Hubby and told him that this is what we had been working for ever since we had more than one child.  That bond between siblings that is real and everlasting.  Caring about each other and wanting to be a part of each others lives instead of viewing each other as annoyances to be shoved aside for other friends their own age.  This is what we want for our children!  It reminded me of a quote I saw recently that said, "Don't become so caught up in raising a good kid that you forget you already have one."  It felt nice to believe that maybe, just maybe, Hubby and I were doing something right.

And then we got home and I saw that #1 and #2 hadn't done their chores for the day like they were told to before we left.  Oh well, one battle at a time!

Part 3

I did not think it would take me three posts to get all the way through the memories, but I guess it is what it is.  Almost done...

Saturday morning when we woke up I figured I would have plenty of time getting ready since I didn't have four children to get ready as well, but Mom and I ended up talking quite a bit and Dad ended up calling up the stairs for us asking when we were going to be ready. We weren't actually late, but we certainly didn't have any time to think before we left.  I don't think that was a bad thing.

We got to the church after most of the family, but no one else was there for the funeral so Grandpa wanted to go in the church and look at the flowers that were there.  He was doing ok until he got to the arrangement from him.  The ribbon said "Goodbye My Love" and the card said "Save a place for me."  He was ready to go over to the fellowship hall after that.  Mom was walking with him and it was hard for her too.  I remember not really focusing on anything while I was in there with them.  I saw Grandma's picture they had in there, but I purposely didn't pay much attention.  I remember talking to a couple of my cousins that were in there, but I don't remember what we were doing. 

After that I walked over to the fellowship hall where all the family had gathered.  We were all just kind of standing around talking.  We all seemed pretty calm, I don't remember feeling apprehensive about the service.  Right at 10 the funeral director came over to tell us they were almost ready for us to go over.  Even then I still felt pretty calm and together.  I ended up in the front pew between my Dad and one of my younger brothers.  Walking in felt awkward, knowing that everyone was watching.  Almost as soon as I sat down I couldn't look at anything except the picture of Grandma.  I had a hard time with that.  It was such a good picture of her, exactly what I remember her looking like.  For some reason it all just kind of hit me right then. 

I calmed down fairly quickly, but then they started the slide show.  In hindsight I wish that I would have asked to watch it ahead of time, just to be better prepared.  I liked watching the slide show and enjoyed seeing all the pictures of Grandma, but it was also really sad.  There were a couple with Grandma and my girls and it was a reminder of the fact that my girls will never grow up knowing their Great-Grandma. 

There was congregational singing during the service.  I have never liked being in the congregation during a funeral and having to sing.  It is just hard and emotional and I always wondered why they didn't just have recorded music.  But now that I have been one of the family members I understand.  I wasn't able to sing hardly at all, but listening to the congregation sing, knowing that congregational singing was one of Grandma's favorite things, was very comforting.  I think in the future I'll try harder to sing during funerals for that reason.

A former preacher who has been a friend of the family for as long as I can remember officiated the memorial service.  As soon as I found out he was the one doing it I thought that there couldn't have been anyone better to do it.  And I was right.  He did a fantastic job.  I don't remember much of what he said, but I do remember him extolling the family to not disappoint Grandma and to not disappoint ourselves by not living our lives as God has commanded.  I appreciated him saying that.

A member of the congregation there said a beautiful prayer.  Again, I don't actually remember anything that he specifically said, but I do remember thinking it was a beautiful prayer and so perfect for Grandma's service.  I didn't get the chance to tell him that before he left, so I hope someone else told him. 

My younger brother got up for all the grandkids and told the memories that we had discussed the night before.  He did an amazing job.  I was very proud of him.  My Uncle N got up for Grandma's kids and told their memories as well.  He also did a wonderful job.  Even though most of us had heard the memories before, it was still a special time during the service.

All of the grandkids that were there sang a song for Grandma.  Being my usually bossy self, the night before when we practiced I suggested to everyone else that if they wanted to get through the song that they shouldn't try to look at anyone and to not think about the words they were singing.  Too bad I didn't heed my own advice.  I made it until the last chorus and then I was done.  We also listened to a recording all 16 of the grandkids made back in 1997 when we sang some songs for Grandma and Grandpa.  It was funny listening to all our little voices and also sweet remember how Grandma told me that she listened to that tape quite a bit.

One other thing I remember about the service is that I had moments of thinking, "I'm really never going to see her again."  I think I said this before, but Grandma is the first person I've been really close to that has passed away.  So it was weird being in the service, knowing that it was for Grandma, but still having moments that were so painful they took my breath away because it would hit that this is for real.  Every time I looked at her picture it hurt worse because I thought about how I would never see her smile again or get to hold her hand or hear her voice telling me that Gold Medal flour is the only acceptable flour to use for baking.  Having it hit me like that felt odd, but one of my brothers said the same kind of thing happened to him.

The last song we sang was a poignant moment.  For whatever reason, during that song I was hit with a memory of sitting next to Grandma singing that song.  I heard her alto voice just like she was sitting right next to me.  And I had a vivid memory of her reaching over and holding my hand.  I remembered exactly how soft and cool her hands always felt.  I just closed my eyes and let those memories surround me.  As painful as it was, it also felt good to remember her like that.

Leaving after the service was also really difficult, although I haven't been able to figure out why.  For whatever reason, walking out of the building was one of the more difficult times.  I don't know if it was because it meant everything was final or it was just a buildup of all the emotions or what.  But I wasn't the only one who had a hard time.  The family was able to spend a few minutes together again sharing our mutual grief, which felt right.

All in all I think the memorial service was exactly what I envisioned it would be.  I cried through most of it.  I felt bad for my Dad trying to comfort me on one side and my Mom on the other.  And for my brother who was trying to comfort me and deal with his own grief.  It was really difficult going through that without Hubby by my side.  I've leaned on him as my rock for the last 12 years and to not have him there felt wrong.  On the other hand, not having the girls there was a bit of a relief.  I wouldn't have been able to grieve the same with them there.  And I wouldn't have been able to just do what I needed to do for myself if I was having to be a mom as well.  But I couldn't have Hubby there without also having the girls there.  I honestly don't know if I could do it over if I would do the same thing or if I would have Hubby and the girls there.  I'm content with saying that God knew what I needed for the weekend and provided for it. 

We had a meal after the service.  I was able to see and visit with people that I haven't seen in several years as well as spending some time with a good friend from CA who came.  I was back and forth between the sanctuary and fellowship hall a lot.  I looked at all the flowers and who they came from and just spent time sitting and taking it all in.  I don't remember what time we actually left, but it was in the early afternoon before we all cleared out.

All the family that was left got together for dinner that night.  Grandma's two remaining sisters had been there with us the entire time and I felt like their presence was nice for the family.  It was almost like they were filling a matriarchal role.  The evening was spent with more laughter and noise which was a perfect way to end the weekend.  Hopefully we'll all get to be together again for a family reunion next summer.  It won't be the same without Grandma there, but I think it would make her happy to think about all of us being together.

Our van load packed up and left about 5 am Sunday morning.  It was a long couple of days, but I made it home Tuesday afternoon.  It was good to be home!  I talked with Hubby quite a while and just kind of told him everything and it was very emotional going over it again with him.  And it has been pretty emotional writing all this down as well.  But I think that is a good thing.  I want to remember these things, even the painful parts.  Losing Grandma has been difficult and I want to honor the grief that I've felt, am feeling and will feel in the future. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my mini-series on this.  I will never know who all has read this, but just knowing that I was able to put it all down was healing for me.  I appreciate you sharing in that with me.

ARC

For my Grandma

Yesterday and today were rough.  I've been really busy getting the family packed up for a camping trip.  Which has kept me busy, but still, I'm exhausted.  Hubby says I'm probably not sleeping well, which could also account for me waking up the last two days with a headache.  I feel like there is a weight on my heart all the time.  I'll go along and be fine for several hours and then something will hit me and I'll start crying again.

I'm leaving tomorrow to start traveling to the memorial service which will be on Saturday.  Its going to be a long, but really quick trip.  I actually think we'll be driving for longer than we'll be out of the car.  But I get to travel with three siblings, my Dad and various in-laws.  I think will be good for all of us.  As long as they stay out of my space on the car seat anyway!

There have been a lot of memories of Grandma floating around in my head that I wanted to write down.

I remember baking with her.  She always let me help her, even though I know I was more of a hindrance than a help until I got older.  I don't remember her ever getting cross or upset with me when I was helping her, even when I burned six cups of sugar because I was watching tv instead of stirring.

I remember swimming a lot in their pool.  I remember that she didn't get in very often with us, but when she did she would always just sit on a step on the side.  I only learned a few years ago that she was actually terrified of the water.  She never let that show when we were little though.

I remember how cool it was to walk down to Grandma and Grandpa's to spend the night.  Grandma pretty much let me do what I wanted to!

I remember how she always let me play in her jewelry, even though some of it was expensive.  She still has the same jewelry box and I can still hear the sound of the music that would play when I would open the drawer.

I remember having our entire family together at holidays.  Grandma handled cooking for 26 people in a small kitchen with a lot of grace!

I remember once I got older how Grandma would want to "talk" to me.  Sometimes that meant that she had something she wanted to tell me about that she thought I might need to work on, but sometimes it just meant that she wanted a little one on one time with me.  It always made me feel special.

I remember watching Grandma holding my first child, her first great-grandchild.  I remember thinking how glad I was that she was still there to be a part of my children's lives.

I remember how excited she was about sharing a birthday with Baby Girl #3.  I hadn't thought of that until I was looking through pictures last night and saw one of her holding Baby Girl on their birthday.  I am glad that I will always be able to remember my Grandma on my daughter's birthday.

I remember her laugh, how she would throw her head back and just laugh without abandon.  I remember how she would tease and play with us, even when we thought we were too old to tease.

I remember her chocolate chip cookie dough, without nuts, just for me.

I remember the sound of her singing.

I remember her smile.

I remember her hugs and kisses.

I remember her.

I miss you Grandma...