Feelings...

You know you're singing the song in your head too!  I actually don't know that I know more than the first five words of that song!  Nope, just thought about it and I don't know anymore words!

Yesterday Hubby and the older girls and I had a great day.  We decorated the tree, did a little shopping, went to see a movie (Rise of the Guardians is awesome) and then had dinner together.  I enjoyed all of it, but I felt a little weepy all day.  The kind where I felt on the verge of tears almost constantly.  We were going so much that I didn't really try to figure out why I felt that way until after the girls had gone to bed and I had a few minutes of quiet.  And I realized that I was just missing my Grandma.

I don't know what set it off.  Maybe the decorations I put up that used to be at her house?  Maybe it was putting away her picture to put up other Christmas decorations.  Or maybe I am just sad and it has to come out sometimes.  I honestly don't know.  I wish I did.  I think I've mentioned before that this whole grief thing is new to me.  I've found myself lately thinking a lot about Grandma's last days and the pain she was in.  I have a hard time wrenching my mind off of that and remembering better times, when she was healthy.  Is that normal?  I don't know that either. 

But it got me to thinking about all the people who have lost those who they are really close to.  Parents, spouses, children.  I can't imagine that pain.  I loved my Grandma and considered myself close to her, but it wasn't the same as losing someone really close to me.  I have already found myself wishing that it didn't hurt so bad.  How does someone who loses a spouse or a child walk through that pain?  How can they function in the normal day to day life? 

If losing my Grandma teaches me nothing else, I hope that I am able to be more sensitive to those who have lost a loved one.  To remember that while they may look ok on the outside, they are still grieving on the inside.  To remember that the grief process lasts so much longer than most people realize, and to give that person the time and space they need to grieve.  To remember to guard my tongue carefully lest something I say unthinkingly causes more pain.  And to remember to show that person months and years down the road that I have not forgotten their loss.  But most importantly of all, to pray for those who are grieving, as often as I think of them.  That God would grant them a measure of peace as they wade through their new life without their loved one in it and that they would always remember how much He truly loves them. 

I think Grandma would be glad that even in her passing, she is still teaching me how to be a better person.