A letter to my Grandma

Dear Grandma,

Today marks one year of the night when Dad sent a text out at midnight and got all of us on a conference call to tell us that you weren't going to be with us for very much longer.  I've been dreading today and tomorrow for a few weeks now.  But I've found that although I'm a little more sad than I have been, it hasn't hit me as hard as I thought it might.  I think it's because you being gone is a hole that I constantly feel. 

I think about you all the time.  Whenever I have a question about cooking or baking, my first thought is always about you.  I miss being able to call you and ask how you would do something.  I have your bread maker now.  You know, the one you told me for 3 years I was going to get when you moved to Duncan?  It still works.  And I smile every time I look in the recipe book that came with it because you not only kept the receipt stapled to the book, you wrote the date you bought it and where you bought it from.  That was so you.  And I like looking at your handwriting.  It makes me think about all the notes and cards I got from you over the years.  I wish I had kept more of them.  Your words of encouragement and love meant so much to me.  I will think about that every time I see your handwriting.

I think about you when I hold Daniel's hand.  He holds my hand just like you used to.  I have no idea how he picked that up from you, but I'm really glad he did.  It reminds me of all the times I sat by you at church and you would hold my hand as long as I wanted to.  Or later, all the times we would sit talking and you would reach over and put your hand in mine.  I remember how soft your hands always were.  I hope I always do.

We're going up to Duncan tomorrow.  I'm glad I get to be around Mom, Dad, Grandpa, Rick and Stephen.  We're going to go eat mexican.  Where else could we possibly go?  Whataburger maybe, but mexican seems the most fitting.  We might cry a little, but I think there will be more laughing than tears.  You left an amazing legacy in your family.  I'm going to enjoy honoring it.

I like that I get to see Grandpa when we are in Duncan now, but going to his apartment without you there always feels off.  I helped Mom put some of the stuff up in the kitchen.  We made it as easily accessible for Grandpa as we could, but I think it would have driven you nuts.  Or maybe I'm just thinking about what you would have said if someone else had tried to arrange your kitchen for you.  Ha!  That would have gone about as well as someone trying to do my kitchen for me.

I thought about you on Deanna's birthday.  I'll always be thankful that she got to share birthdays with you for a few years.  I love that every year on her birthday I'll get to tell her how she shares a birthday with my Grandma.  She won't remember you, but I have pictures.  The day she was born when you and Grandpa stayed in Oklahoma longer just so you could see her.  The year of her second birthday when you held her for a picture on your birthday.  I remember thinking when I took that picture how cool it was going to be every year to take a picture of the two of you and watch you grow older together.  Now I'll just be thankful for the years when I did get to take a picture. 

You should see my girls Grandma.  I think you just might like them a little bit.  Cali still kind of remembers you.  Cali and Hailey both remember that you made chocolate chip cookie dough.  I think it would make you smile to know that that is what they remember about you.  I made chocolate chip cookies a few weeks ago.  I had to send a picture to all the other kids.  I know they all thought about you too.

Sometimes I think that maybe we ought to have something that seems more meaningful than cookies that we all "remember" you by when we talk about you.  But honestly, your cookies and cookie dough sum up a lot about who you were.  Baking them, like you always cooked and baked for others.  I can't count the number of times I was in your kitchen when you were making food for other people.  Customizing the dough.  No chocolate for Debbie and Kristen.  No nuts for Matt and I.  Little touches that showed those you loved how much you cared for them.  And mostly, the sheer number of cookies you must have made for all of us while you could.  You knew we all loved them and you provided them.  And there was probably just a little bit of pride going on that no one could top your cookies.  And I think you would laugh to know that none of us will ever be able to make chocolate chip cookies without thinking about you!

I really miss you Grandma.  I miss hearing your voice.  I miss seeing you smile.  I miss your hugs and kisses.  I miss your laughter and watching you insist you have no idea how to play a card game that we all know you know how to play because you're the one that taught all of us.  And even though I won't ever get to see you again this side of heaven, I know that when God calls me home I'll get to hear your voice again saying, "Come here Nita.  Let's talk."  I can't wait!