I feel the need to state again that I don't post about my grief process to garner sympathy or to bring attention to myself. I am also fully aware that losing my Grandma doesn't compare to losing a spouse, parent, or child. I can not fathom that pain. But I do want to put down these emotions and feelings and thoughts so that I can look back and remember the different stages I went through. I also know that grief in someone else is something that a lot of people find hard to deal with. If I can help someone know how to help someone who is grieving that's even better.
For the past month or so I noticed that I was getting a lot more emotional whenever I would think about Grandma. I had gotten to the point that I didn't feel like crying every time I thought about her, but I felt like I was beginning to go backwards. Every time I thought about her I would get choked up. Random songs we sang in church would make me cry. There was no rhyme or reason. Nothing I was doing would remind me specifically of Grandma. The songs we sang didn't hold any special meaning necessarily. I grew up going to church with Grandma so really any song could hold a memory of her singing if I let it. But the instances were becoming more frequent when I would think about her and not be able to help crying.
I asked Hubby last Sunday if he knew why I might be getting more emotional again. I didn't know if there was part of the grief process that you start to feel this way for no particular reason. Me being me would have felt better if I knew there was a specific reason I felt this way. He was not helpful when he said that it is just normal to go through "waves" of grief. (I say that very lovingly--Hubby has been an amazing support through this whole process.) But it wasn't helpful in that I didn't have any reason other than "it's normal".
Tuesday morning was a normal morning. We finished everything we needed to for school, ate lunch, got things accomplished around the house. Then about 3 in the afternoon I was reading and I had a fleeting thought about how much Grandma liked to read and I found myself unable to stop crying. It wasn't an all-out sobbing or anything, more like the tears never really stopped. I kept to myself in my room, mainly because my girls are very sensitive and seeing me cry makes them cry and I knew I wasn't able to handle that emotionally. When Hubby got home and I told him how I was feeling he took over all parenting duties and left me alone. Which was just what I needed. I didn't want to talk about anything, I just needed time to myself. So I tried to keep my mind busy, but occasionally thoughts of Grandma would slip in and I would cry for a while and then stop and then start again. Nothing dramatic, I just felt like crying the whole night. I didn't sleep well that night either. I just couldn't turn my brain off.
I was hoping that by Wednesday morning I would feel like myself again, but I knew as soon as I woke up that I actually felt worse. The term "weighed down with grief" suddenly made perfect sense. I literally felt like my entire body was weighed down. My head felt too heavy for my neck, it required effort to lift my arms, I shuffled instead of walked because my legs didn't feel like they were working right. My eyelids were heavy and my tongue even felt thicker. I went ahead and did school with the girls, although we cut a couple of subjects. My brain didn't feel like it was working and I just didn't feel like I could handle Mommy duties. I crawled back in bed about 11 and I didn't really get out of it for the rest of the day. Hubby came home for lunch and then I just let the girls watch movies for the rest of the afternoon. Strangely enough, I wasn't weepy on Wednesday. I'm not sure I cried at all that day. But I never did feel any better. I didn't even attempt church. One because I didn't feel like getting ready and being around people, and two because I felt like I would just spend the entire time crying.
I did sleep fairly well that night and when I woke up on Thursday I felt like myself again. And I have ever since. I'm not weepy. I can think about Grandma again without crying. I don't understand why it happened and apparently I'm not going to. Although, if it does happens again I feel better prepared to handle it.
Hubby was amazing through those two days. He gave me space, which was exactly what I needed. I didn't want to talk about anything and I didn't need his shoulder to cry on this time. I just needed to be left alone until I had gotten it all out of my system. I do wonder how I'll know if someone just needs space like I did. I was able to tell Hubby without worrying about hurting his feelings, but I know when someone is well-meaning and wants to "do" something for someone it's not easy to tell them that you just want to be left alone. I guess I can just hope that I can be the type of friend that if someone who is grieving wants to be left alone they feel like they can tell me without worrying about hurting my feelings. They have enough to deal with without worrying about offending me.
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