Dear Grandma,
Today marks one year of the night when Dad sent a text out at midnight and got all of us on a conference call to tell us that you weren't going to be with us for very much longer. I've been dreading today and tomorrow for a few weeks now. But I've found that although I'm a little more sad than I have been, it hasn't hit me as hard as I thought it might. I think it's because you being gone is a hole that I constantly feel.
I think about you all the time. Whenever I have a question about cooking or baking, my first thought is always about you. I miss being able to call you and ask how you would do something. I have your bread maker now. You know, the one you told me for 3 years I was going to get when you moved to Duncan? It still works. And I smile every time I look in the recipe book that came with it because you not only kept the receipt stapled to the book, you wrote the date you bought it and where you bought it from. That was so you. And I like looking at your handwriting. It makes me think about all the notes and cards I got from you over the years. I wish I had kept more of them. Your words of encouragement and love meant so much to me. I will think about that every time I see your handwriting.
I think about you when I hold Daniel's hand. He holds my hand just like you used to. I have no idea how he picked that up from you, but I'm really glad he did. It reminds me of all the times I sat by you at church and you would hold my hand as long as I wanted to. Or later, all the times we would sit talking and you would reach over and put your hand in mine. I remember how soft your hands always were. I hope I always do.
We're going up to Duncan tomorrow. I'm glad I get to be around Mom, Dad, Grandpa, Rick and Stephen. We're going to go eat mexican. Where else could we possibly go? Whataburger maybe, but mexican seems the most fitting. We might cry a little, but I think there will be more laughing than tears. You left an amazing legacy in your family. I'm going to enjoy honoring it.
I like that I get to see Grandpa when we are in Duncan now, but going to his apartment without you there always feels off. I helped Mom put some of the stuff up in the kitchen. We made it as easily accessible for Grandpa as we could, but I think it would have driven you nuts. Or maybe I'm just thinking about what you would have said if someone else had tried to arrange your kitchen for you. Ha! That would have gone about as well as someone trying to do my kitchen for me.
I thought about you on Deanna's birthday. I'll always be thankful that she got to share birthdays with you for a few years. I love that every year on her birthday I'll get to tell her how she shares a birthday with my Grandma. She won't remember you, but I have pictures. The day she was born when you and Grandpa stayed in Oklahoma longer just so you could see her. The year of her second birthday when you held her for a picture on your birthday. I remember thinking when I took that picture how cool it was going to be every year to take a picture of the two of you and watch you grow older together. Now I'll just be thankful for the years when I did get to take a picture.
You should see my girls Grandma. I think you just might like them a little bit. Cali still kind of remembers you. Cali and Hailey both remember that you made chocolate chip cookie dough. I think it would make you smile to know that that is what they remember about you. I made chocolate chip cookies a few weeks ago. I had to send a picture to all the other kids. I know they all thought about you too.
Sometimes I think that maybe we ought to have something that seems more meaningful than cookies that we all "remember" you by when we talk about you. But honestly, your cookies and cookie dough sum up a lot about who you were. Baking them, like you always cooked and baked for others. I can't count the number of times I was in your kitchen when you were making food for other people. Customizing the dough. No chocolate for Debbie and Kristen. No nuts for Matt and I. Little touches that showed those you loved how much you cared for them. And mostly, the sheer number of cookies you must have made for all of us while you could. You knew we all loved them and you provided them. And there was probably just a little bit of pride going on that no one could top your cookies. And I think you would laugh to know that none of us will ever be able to make chocolate chip cookies without thinking about you!
I really miss you Grandma. I miss hearing your voice. I miss seeing you smile. I miss your hugs and kisses. I miss your laughter and watching you insist you have no idea how to play a card game that we all know you know how to play because you're the one that taught all of us. And even though I won't ever get to see you again this side of heaven, I know that when God calls me home I'll get to hear your voice again saying, "Come here Nita. Let's talk." I can't wait!
Showing posts with label grandma. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grandma. Show all posts
Monday, October 14, 2013
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Out of Nowhere--Again
I feel the need to state again that I don't post about my grief process to garner sympathy or to bring attention to myself. I am also fully aware that losing my Grandma doesn't compare to losing a spouse, parent, or child. I can not fathom that pain. But I do want to put down these emotions and feelings and thoughts so that I can look back and remember the different stages I went through. I also know that grief in someone else is something that a lot of people find hard to deal with. If I can help someone know how to help someone who is grieving that's even better.
For the past month or so I noticed that I was getting a lot more emotional whenever I would think about Grandma. I had gotten to the point that I didn't feel like crying every time I thought about her, but I felt like I was beginning to go backwards. Every time I thought about her I would get choked up. Random songs we sang in church would make me cry. There was no rhyme or reason. Nothing I was doing would remind me specifically of Grandma. The songs we sang didn't hold any special meaning necessarily. I grew up going to church with Grandma so really any song could hold a memory of her singing if I let it. But the instances were becoming more frequent when I would think about her and not be able to help crying.
I asked Hubby last Sunday if he knew why I might be getting more emotional again. I didn't know if there was part of the grief process that you start to feel this way for no particular reason. Me being me would have felt better if I knew there was a specific reason I felt this way. He was not helpful when he said that it is just normal to go through "waves" of grief. (I say that very lovingly--Hubby has been an amazing support through this whole process.) But it wasn't helpful in that I didn't have any reason other than "it's normal".
Tuesday morning was a normal morning. We finished everything we needed to for school, ate lunch, got things accomplished around the house. Then about 3 in the afternoon I was reading and I had a fleeting thought about how much Grandma liked to read and I found myself unable to stop crying. It wasn't an all-out sobbing or anything, more like the tears never really stopped. I kept to myself in my room, mainly because my girls are very sensitive and seeing me cry makes them cry and I knew I wasn't able to handle that emotionally. When Hubby got home and I told him how I was feeling he took over all parenting duties and left me alone. Which was just what I needed. I didn't want to talk about anything, I just needed time to myself. So I tried to keep my mind busy, but occasionally thoughts of Grandma would slip in and I would cry for a while and then stop and then start again. Nothing dramatic, I just felt like crying the whole night. I didn't sleep well that night either. I just couldn't turn my brain off.
I was hoping that by Wednesday morning I would feel like myself again, but I knew as soon as I woke up that I actually felt worse. The term "weighed down with grief" suddenly made perfect sense. I literally felt like my entire body was weighed down. My head felt too heavy for my neck, it required effort to lift my arms, I shuffled instead of walked because my legs didn't feel like they were working right. My eyelids were heavy and my tongue even felt thicker. I went ahead and did school with the girls, although we cut a couple of subjects. My brain didn't feel like it was working and I just didn't feel like I could handle Mommy duties. I crawled back in bed about 11 and I didn't really get out of it for the rest of the day. Hubby came home for lunch and then I just let the girls watch movies for the rest of the afternoon. Strangely enough, I wasn't weepy on Wednesday. I'm not sure I cried at all that day. But I never did feel any better. I didn't even attempt church. One because I didn't feel like getting ready and being around people, and two because I felt like I would just spend the entire time crying.
I did sleep fairly well that night and when I woke up on Thursday I felt like myself again. And I have ever since. I'm not weepy. I can think about Grandma again without crying. I don't understand why it happened and apparently I'm not going to. Although, if it does happens again I feel better prepared to handle it.
Hubby was amazing through those two days. He gave me space, which was exactly what I needed. I didn't want to talk about anything and I didn't need his shoulder to cry on this time. I just needed to be left alone until I had gotten it all out of my system. I do wonder how I'll know if someone just needs space like I did. I was able to tell Hubby without worrying about hurting his feelings, but I know when someone is well-meaning and wants to "do" something for someone it's not easy to tell them that you just want to be left alone. I guess I can just hope that I can be the type of friend that if someone who is grieving wants to be left alone they feel like they can tell me without worrying about hurting my feelings. They have enough to deal with without worrying about offending me.
For the past month or so I noticed that I was getting a lot more emotional whenever I would think about Grandma. I had gotten to the point that I didn't feel like crying every time I thought about her, but I felt like I was beginning to go backwards. Every time I thought about her I would get choked up. Random songs we sang in church would make me cry. There was no rhyme or reason. Nothing I was doing would remind me specifically of Grandma. The songs we sang didn't hold any special meaning necessarily. I grew up going to church with Grandma so really any song could hold a memory of her singing if I let it. But the instances were becoming more frequent when I would think about her and not be able to help crying.
I asked Hubby last Sunday if he knew why I might be getting more emotional again. I didn't know if there was part of the grief process that you start to feel this way for no particular reason. Me being me would have felt better if I knew there was a specific reason I felt this way. He was not helpful when he said that it is just normal to go through "waves" of grief. (I say that very lovingly--Hubby has been an amazing support through this whole process.) But it wasn't helpful in that I didn't have any reason other than "it's normal".
Tuesday morning was a normal morning. We finished everything we needed to for school, ate lunch, got things accomplished around the house. Then about 3 in the afternoon I was reading and I had a fleeting thought about how much Grandma liked to read and I found myself unable to stop crying. It wasn't an all-out sobbing or anything, more like the tears never really stopped. I kept to myself in my room, mainly because my girls are very sensitive and seeing me cry makes them cry and I knew I wasn't able to handle that emotionally. When Hubby got home and I told him how I was feeling he took over all parenting duties and left me alone. Which was just what I needed. I didn't want to talk about anything, I just needed time to myself. So I tried to keep my mind busy, but occasionally thoughts of Grandma would slip in and I would cry for a while and then stop and then start again. Nothing dramatic, I just felt like crying the whole night. I didn't sleep well that night either. I just couldn't turn my brain off.
I was hoping that by Wednesday morning I would feel like myself again, but I knew as soon as I woke up that I actually felt worse. The term "weighed down with grief" suddenly made perfect sense. I literally felt like my entire body was weighed down. My head felt too heavy for my neck, it required effort to lift my arms, I shuffled instead of walked because my legs didn't feel like they were working right. My eyelids were heavy and my tongue even felt thicker. I went ahead and did school with the girls, although we cut a couple of subjects. My brain didn't feel like it was working and I just didn't feel like I could handle Mommy duties. I crawled back in bed about 11 and I didn't really get out of it for the rest of the day. Hubby came home for lunch and then I just let the girls watch movies for the rest of the afternoon. Strangely enough, I wasn't weepy on Wednesday. I'm not sure I cried at all that day. But I never did feel any better. I didn't even attempt church. One because I didn't feel like getting ready and being around people, and two because I felt like I would just spend the entire time crying.
I did sleep fairly well that night and when I woke up on Thursday I felt like myself again. And I have ever since. I'm not weepy. I can think about Grandma again without crying. I don't understand why it happened and apparently I'm not going to. Although, if it does happens again I feel better prepared to handle it.
Hubby was amazing through those two days. He gave me space, which was exactly what I needed. I didn't want to talk about anything and I didn't need his shoulder to cry on this time. I just needed to be left alone until I had gotten it all out of my system. I do wonder how I'll know if someone just needs space like I did. I was able to tell Hubby without worrying about hurting his feelings, but I know when someone is well-meaning and wants to "do" something for someone it's not easy to tell them that you just want to be left alone. I guess I can just hope that I can be the type of friend that if someone who is grieving wants to be left alone they feel like they can tell me without worrying about hurting my feelings. They have enough to deal with without worrying about offending me.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Is it still crafting if they are necessary items?
I wondered this today. Because for the last two days I've been hard at work at my sewing machine, making things. But they are things that are for us to use when we travel. Totally practical items. So does it still count as crafting? I've actually enjoyed myself. Everything worked out the way it was supposed to, the very first time even. It worked out so well that I added extra stuff on and made a couple extra just because I could. If you read my previous crafting post, you know that crafting and I are not on the best of terms. So since everything went really well I want to say that I was crafting, but I think deep down I feel like it is cheating to call it that. So I'll tell y'all what I made and you can tell me if you think I can get away with it!
First off: Shoe bags! Don't scoff! We have an awesome tote with a lid now that all our shoes will fit in. This means that I don't have to worry about packing shoes in the suitcases with clean clothes and wondering how much room I need to leave and hoping that I get everyone's shoes in. So I'm excited about having one bag that all our shoes fit in that I can just tell the girls to look in the shoe bag to find whatever shoe they're looking for instead of having them rummage through 4 suitcases. The downside is that our nicer shoes get thrown in with the tennis shoes and flip flops. Not the best idea, especially for Hubby's expensive shoes that we spend a lot of money on so he'll have something nice to wear with his suits that will last more than 3 months.
My solution is the shoe bags I found on Pinterest. Each bag will fit at least one pair of shoes, even though it doesn't look like it. Trust me, I tried 3 different bags because they all look too small. But they fit. These were super easy to make because you just use Fat Quarters, no cutting involved. I was smart this time and broke out my ironing board to iron down the edges I was sewing instead of pinning them. Hmm, wish I had figured out that little trick a couple of years ago. Sometimes teaching yourself something, like sewing, just doesn't pay off!
I made a total of 7, just because they were going so well. I made a couple for my Mom and then one for the girls' shoes as well. I'll discuss the decals in a sec.
The other items I've been working on are toothbrush and toothpaste holders for each of us to have for traveling. I have to buy new toothbrush covers almost every time we travel because I just can't stand re-using the ones we had, even after they've been washed. It was just too gross for me. I saw these toothbrush carries a while ago on Pinterest as well, but with school going on I didn't have a chance to actually make them. The last couple of times we've traveled I have rolled all our toothbrushes up in a washcloth, which helped with the gross factor a little bit, but since the girls were not willing to take the time to re-roll the brushes once they brushed their teeth it ended up being just a bunch of toothbrushes in a wet ziplock. So gross!
So I was super excited to make these. And they turned out very well too, if I say so myself!
I was so proud of myself I even went looking for some iron-on decals to put our initials on them. Partly because I thought it would be fun, but mostly because I didn't want to have to ever hear the question, "Which ones mine?" from any of the girls. Did they all get different colors? Absolutely. Would that help stop the question? Nope! Anyway, I about abandoned the idea when I saw that most of the decals were running between $5 and $10. I would write their names in Sharpie before I spent that much. But then I was in the clearance section and found these cute little pink camo decals for $1. That is what I was looking for! Too bad for Hubby that he doesn't get a decal, but I'm pretty sure he can figure out which one is his without asking. As an added bonus, there were enough letters to put on the girls' shoe bag. Major win at Hobby Lobby!
So what do you think? I think anything that includes sewing, ribbon, and iron-on decals ought to be considered crafting! So look at me! I can craft without crying! Big step here people! Big step!
First off: Shoe bags! Don't scoff! We have an awesome tote with a lid now that all our shoes will fit in. This means that I don't have to worry about packing shoes in the suitcases with clean clothes and wondering how much room I need to leave and hoping that I get everyone's shoes in. So I'm excited about having one bag that all our shoes fit in that I can just tell the girls to look in the shoe bag to find whatever shoe they're looking for instead of having them rummage through 4 suitcases. The downside is that our nicer shoes get thrown in with the tennis shoes and flip flops. Not the best idea, especially for Hubby's expensive shoes that we spend a lot of money on so he'll have something nice to wear with his suits that will last more than 3 months.
My solution is the shoe bags I found on Pinterest. Each bag will fit at least one pair of shoes, even though it doesn't look like it. Trust me, I tried 3 different bags because they all look too small. But they fit. These were super easy to make because you just use Fat Quarters, no cutting involved. I was smart this time and broke out my ironing board to iron down the edges I was sewing instead of pinning them. Hmm, wish I had figured out that little trick a couple of years ago. Sometimes teaching yourself something, like sewing, just doesn't pay off!
The other items I've been working on are toothbrush and toothpaste holders for each of us to have for traveling. I have to buy new toothbrush covers almost every time we travel because I just can't stand re-using the ones we had, even after they've been washed. It was just too gross for me. I saw these toothbrush carries a while ago on Pinterest as well, but with school going on I didn't have a chance to actually make them. The last couple of times we've traveled I have rolled all our toothbrushes up in a washcloth, which helped with the gross factor a little bit, but since the girls were not willing to take the time to re-roll the brushes once they brushed their teeth it ended up being just a bunch of toothbrushes in a wet ziplock. So gross!
So I was super excited to make these. And they turned out very well too, if I say so myself!
 |
| So much cuter in the hand of a 3 yr old! |
Monday, April 29, 2013
Like a Physical Blow
I was laying in bed last night before going to sleep and I started thinking about dinner for tonight. I knew I was going to end up putting the pork chops on the George Forman grill.
Thinking about the George Forman brought a memory of my Grandma cooking steaks on the one she had. She loved busting that thing out while we were there and she was so proud of the fact that she could make a good steak in just a few minutes.
For a heartbeat that memory made me smile. And then I actually had to remind myself that I would never see my Grandma cooking anything over a George Forman again. Remembering all over that I would never see her in a kitchen again felt like an actual physical blow. Like someone had done a roundhouse kick to my chest.
I have found myself lately skirting away from thinking about Grandma at all. Like if I start to think about her I'll make myself think of something else. Is that why out of the blue a random memory of her hurt so much? Is it better to think of her as often as I can and grieve more often or to skirt the memories until one comes that I can't ignore and get all the grief out at once? I don't know the right answer. I wish I didn't have to know.
And once again, as much as I miss Grandma and hurt from the loss, I know that my pain is so much less compared to those who have lost a sibling, a parent, a spouse or a child. I am reminded again that although people who have lost loved ones may seem OK on the outside, they still need my prayers. Because if it hurts as much for me to think about my Grandma, how much more does it hurt for them?
Thinking about the George Forman brought a memory of my Grandma cooking steaks on the one she had. She loved busting that thing out while we were there and she was so proud of the fact that she could make a good steak in just a few minutes.
For a heartbeat that memory made me smile. And then I actually had to remind myself that I would never see my Grandma cooking anything over a George Forman again. Remembering all over that I would never see her in a kitchen again felt like an actual physical blow. Like someone had done a roundhouse kick to my chest.
I have found myself lately skirting away from thinking about Grandma at all. Like if I start to think about her I'll make myself think of something else. Is that why out of the blue a random memory of her hurt so much? Is it better to think of her as often as I can and grieve more often or to skirt the memories until one comes that I can't ignore and get all the grief out at once? I don't know the right answer. I wish I didn't have to know.
And once again, as much as I miss Grandma and hurt from the loss, I know that my pain is so much less compared to those who have lost a sibling, a parent, a spouse or a child. I am reminded again that although people who have lost loved ones may seem OK on the outside, they still need my prayers. Because if it hurts as much for me to think about my Grandma, how much more does it hurt for them?
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Part 3
I did not think it would take me three posts to get all the way through the memories, but I guess it is what it is. Almost done...
Saturday morning when we woke up I figured I would have plenty of time getting ready since I didn't have four children to get ready as well, but Mom and I ended up talking quite a bit and Dad ended up calling up the stairs for us asking when we were going to be ready. We weren't actually late, but we certainly didn't have any time to think before we left. I don't think that was a bad thing.
We got to the church after most of the family, but no one else was there for the funeral so Grandpa wanted to go in the church and look at the flowers that were there. He was doing ok until he got to the arrangement from him. The ribbon said "Goodbye My Love" and the card said "Save a place for me." He was ready to go over to the fellowship hall after that. Mom was walking with him and it was hard for her too. I remember not really focusing on anything while I was in there with them. I saw Grandma's picture they had in there, but I purposely didn't pay much attention. I remember talking to a couple of my cousins that were in there, but I don't remember what we were doing.
After that I walked over to the fellowship hall where all the family had gathered. We were all just kind of standing around talking. We all seemed pretty calm, I don't remember feeling apprehensive about the service. Right at 10 the funeral director came over to tell us they were almost ready for us to go over. Even then I still felt pretty calm and together. I ended up in the front pew between my Dad and one of my younger brothers. Walking in felt awkward, knowing that everyone was watching. Almost as soon as I sat down I couldn't look at anything except the picture of Grandma. I had a hard time with that. It was such a good picture of her, exactly what I remember her looking like. For some reason it all just kind of hit me right then.
I calmed down fairly quickly, but then they started the slide show. In hindsight I wish that I would have asked to watch it ahead of time, just to be better prepared. I liked watching the slide show and enjoyed seeing all the pictures of Grandma, but it was also really sad. There were a couple with Grandma and my girls and it was a reminder of the fact that my girls will never grow up knowing their Great-Grandma.
There was congregational singing during the service. I have never liked being in the congregation during a funeral and having to sing. It is just hard and emotional and I always wondered why they didn't just have recorded music. But now that I have been one of the family members I understand. I wasn't able to sing hardly at all, but listening to the congregation sing, knowing that congregational singing was one of Grandma's favorite things, was very comforting. I think in the future I'll try harder to sing during funerals for that reason.
A former preacher who has been a friend of the family for as long as I can remember officiated the memorial service. As soon as I found out he was the one doing it I thought that there couldn't have been anyone better to do it. And I was right. He did a fantastic job. I don't remember much of what he said, but I do remember him extolling the family to not disappoint Grandma and to not disappoint ourselves by not living our lives as God has commanded. I appreciated him saying that.
A member of the congregation there said a beautiful prayer. Again, I don't actually remember anything that he specifically said, but I do remember thinking it was a beautiful prayer and so perfect for Grandma's service. I didn't get the chance to tell him that before he left, so I hope someone else told him.
My younger brother got up for all the grandkids and told the memories that we had discussed the night before. He did an amazing job. I was very proud of him. My Uncle N got up for Grandma's kids and told their memories as well. He also did a wonderful job. Even though most of us had heard the memories before, it was still a special time during the service.
All of the grandkids that were there sang a song for Grandma. Being my usually bossy self, the night before when we practiced I suggested to everyone else that if they wanted to get through the song that they shouldn't try to look at anyone and to not think about the words they were singing. Too bad I didn't heed my own advice. I made it until the last chorus and then I was done. We also listened to a recording all 16 of the grandkids made back in 1997 when we sang some songs for Grandma and Grandpa. It was funny listening to all our little voices and also sweet remember how Grandma told me that she listened to that tape quite a bit.
One other thing I remember about the service is that I had moments of thinking, "I'm really never going to see her again." I think I said this before, but Grandma is the first person I've been really close to that has passed away. So it was weird being in the service, knowing that it was for Grandma, but still having moments that were so painful they took my breath away because it would hit that this is for real. Every time I looked at her picture it hurt worse because I thought about how I would never see her smile again or get to hold her hand or hear her voice telling me that Gold Medal flour is the only acceptable flour to use for baking. Having it hit me like that felt odd, but one of my brothers said the same kind of thing happened to him.
The last song we sang was a poignant moment. For whatever reason, during that song I was hit with a memory of sitting next to Grandma singing that song. I heard her alto voice just like she was sitting right next to me. And I had a vivid memory of her reaching over and holding my hand. I remembered exactly how soft and cool her hands always felt. I just closed my eyes and let those memories surround me. As painful as it was, it also felt good to remember her like that.
Leaving after the service was also really difficult, although I haven't been able to figure out why. For whatever reason, walking out of the building was one of the more difficult times. I don't know if it was because it meant everything was final or it was just a buildup of all the emotions or what. But I wasn't the only one who had a hard time. The family was able to spend a few minutes together again sharing our mutual grief, which felt right.
All in all I think the memorial service was exactly what I envisioned it would be. I cried through most of it. I felt bad for my Dad trying to comfort me on one side and my Mom on the other. And for my brother who was trying to comfort me and deal with his own grief. It was really difficult going through that without Hubby by my side. I've leaned on him as my rock for the last 12 years and to not have him there felt wrong. On the other hand, not having the girls there was a bit of a relief. I wouldn't have been able to grieve the same with them there. And I wouldn't have been able to just do what I needed to do for myself if I was having to be a mom as well. But I couldn't have Hubby there without also having the girls there. I honestly don't know if I could do it over if I would do the same thing or if I would have Hubby and the girls there. I'm content with saying that God knew what I needed for the weekend and provided for it.
We had a meal after the service. I was able to see and visit with people that I haven't seen in several years as well as spending some time with a good friend from CA who came. I was back and forth between the sanctuary and fellowship hall a lot. I looked at all the flowers and who they came from and just spent time sitting and taking it all in. I don't remember what time we actually left, but it was in the early afternoon before we all cleared out.
All the family that was left got together for dinner that night. Grandma's two remaining sisters had been there with us the entire time and I felt like their presence was nice for the family. It was almost like they were filling a matriarchal role. The evening was spent with more laughter and noise which was a perfect way to end the weekend. Hopefully we'll all get to be together again for a family reunion next summer. It won't be the same without Grandma there, but I think it would make her happy to think about all of us being together.
Our van load packed up and left about 5 am Sunday morning. It was a long couple of days, but I made it home Tuesday afternoon. It was good to be home! I talked with Hubby quite a while and just kind of told him everything and it was very emotional going over it again with him. And it has been pretty emotional writing all this down as well. But I think that is a good thing. I want to remember these things, even the painful parts. Losing Grandma has been difficult and I want to honor the grief that I've felt, am feeling and will feel in the future.
Thank you for taking the time to read my mini-series on this. I will never know who all has read this, but just knowing that I was able to put it all down was healing for me. I appreciate you sharing in that with me.
ARC
Saturday morning when we woke up I figured I would have plenty of time getting ready since I didn't have four children to get ready as well, but Mom and I ended up talking quite a bit and Dad ended up calling up the stairs for us asking when we were going to be ready. We weren't actually late, but we certainly didn't have any time to think before we left. I don't think that was a bad thing.
We got to the church after most of the family, but no one else was there for the funeral so Grandpa wanted to go in the church and look at the flowers that were there. He was doing ok until he got to the arrangement from him. The ribbon said "Goodbye My Love" and the card said "Save a place for me." He was ready to go over to the fellowship hall after that. Mom was walking with him and it was hard for her too. I remember not really focusing on anything while I was in there with them. I saw Grandma's picture they had in there, but I purposely didn't pay much attention. I remember talking to a couple of my cousins that were in there, but I don't remember what we were doing.
After that I walked over to the fellowship hall where all the family had gathered. We were all just kind of standing around talking. We all seemed pretty calm, I don't remember feeling apprehensive about the service. Right at 10 the funeral director came over to tell us they were almost ready for us to go over. Even then I still felt pretty calm and together. I ended up in the front pew between my Dad and one of my younger brothers. Walking in felt awkward, knowing that everyone was watching. Almost as soon as I sat down I couldn't look at anything except the picture of Grandma. I had a hard time with that. It was such a good picture of her, exactly what I remember her looking like. For some reason it all just kind of hit me right then.
I calmed down fairly quickly, but then they started the slide show. In hindsight I wish that I would have asked to watch it ahead of time, just to be better prepared. I liked watching the slide show and enjoyed seeing all the pictures of Grandma, but it was also really sad. There were a couple with Grandma and my girls and it was a reminder of the fact that my girls will never grow up knowing their Great-Grandma.
There was congregational singing during the service. I have never liked being in the congregation during a funeral and having to sing. It is just hard and emotional and I always wondered why they didn't just have recorded music. But now that I have been one of the family members I understand. I wasn't able to sing hardly at all, but listening to the congregation sing, knowing that congregational singing was one of Grandma's favorite things, was very comforting. I think in the future I'll try harder to sing during funerals for that reason.
A former preacher who has been a friend of the family for as long as I can remember officiated the memorial service. As soon as I found out he was the one doing it I thought that there couldn't have been anyone better to do it. And I was right. He did a fantastic job. I don't remember much of what he said, but I do remember him extolling the family to not disappoint Grandma and to not disappoint ourselves by not living our lives as God has commanded. I appreciated him saying that.
A member of the congregation there said a beautiful prayer. Again, I don't actually remember anything that he specifically said, but I do remember thinking it was a beautiful prayer and so perfect for Grandma's service. I didn't get the chance to tell him that before he left, so I hope someone else told him.
My younger brother got up for all the grandkids and told the memories that we had discussed the night before. He did an amazing job. I was very proud of him. My Uncle N got up for Grandma's kids and told their memories as well. He also did a wonderful job. Even though most of us had heard the memories before, it was still a special time during the service.
All of the grandkids that were there sang a song for Grandma. Being my usually bossy self, the night before when we practiced I suggested to everyone else that if they wanted to get through the song that they shouldn't try to look at anyone and to not think about the words they were singing. Too bad I didn't heed my own advice. I made it until the last chorus and then I was done. We also listened to a recording all 16 of the grandkids made back in 1997 when we sang some songs for Grandma and Grandpa. It was funny listening to all our little voices and also sweet remember how Grandma told me that she listened to that tape quite a bit.
One other thing I remember about the service is that I had moments of thinking, "I'm really never going to see her again." I think I said this before, but Grandma is the first person I've been really close to that has passed away. So it was weird being in the service, knowing that it was for Grandma, but still having moments that were so painful they took my breath away because it would hit that this is for real. Every time I looked at her picture it hurt worse because I thought about how I would never see her smile again or get to hold her hand or hear her voice telling me that Gold Medal flour is the only acceptable flour to use for baking. Having it hit me like that felt odd, but one of my brothers said the same kind of thing happened to him.
The last song we sang was a poignant moment. For whatever reason, during that song I was hit with a memory of sitting next to Grandma singing that song. I heard her alto voice just like she was sitting right next to me. And I had a vivid memory of her reaching over and holding my hand. I remembered exactly how soft and cool her hands always felt. I just closed my eyes and let those memories surround me. As painful as it was, it also felt good to remember her like that.
Leaving after the service was also really difficult, although I haven't been able to figure out why. For whatever reason, walking out of the building was one of the more difficult times. I don't know if it was because it meant everything was final or it was just a buildup of all the emotions or what. But I wasn't the only one who had a hard time. The family was able to spend a few minutes together again sharing our mutual grief, which felt right.
All in all I think the memorial service was exactly what I envisioned it would be. I cried through most of it. I felt bad for my Dad trying to comfort me on one side and my Mom on the other. And for my brother who was trying to comfort me and deal with his own grief. It was really difficult going through that without Hubby by my side. I've leaned on him as my rock for the last 12 years and to not have him there felt wrong. On the other hand, not having the girls there was a bit of a relief. I wouldn't have been able to grieve the same with them there. And I wouldn't have been able to just do what I needed to do for myself if I was having to be a mom as well. But I couldn't have Hubby there without also having the girls there. I honestly don't know if I could do it over if I would do the same thing or if I would have Hubby and the girls there. I'm content with saying that God knew what I needed for the weekend and provided for it.
We had a meal after the service. I was able to see and visit with people that I haven't seen in several years as well as spending some time with a good friend from CA who came. I was back and forth between the sanctuary and fellowship hall a lot. I looked at all the flowers and who they came from and just spent time sitting and taking it all in. I don't remember what time we actually left, but it was in the early afternoon before we all cleared out.
All the family that was left got together for dinner that night. Grandma's two remaining sisters had been there with us the entire time and I felt like their presence was nice for the family. It was almost like they were filling a matriarchal role. The evening was spent with more laughter and noise which was a perfect way to end the weekend. Hopefully we'll all get to be together again for a family reunion next summer. It won't be the same without Grandma there, but I think it would make her happy to think about all of us being together.
Our van load packed up and left about 5 am Sunday morning. It was a long couple of days, but I made it home Tuesday afternoon. It was good to be home! I talked with Hubby quite a while and just kind of told him everything and it was very emotional going over it again with him. And it has been pretty emotional writing all this down as well. But I think that is a good thing. I want to remember these things, even the painful parts. Losing Grandma has been difficult and I want to honor the grief that I've felt, am feeling and will feel in the future.
Thank you for taking the time to read my mini-series on this. I will never know who all has read this, but just knowing that I was able to put it all down was healing for me. I appreciate you sharing in that with me.
ARC
Monday, October 15, 2012
Grandma
My Grandma passed away this morning. She was diagnosed with leukemia a little over three months ago. She was in the hospital for 2 months receiving various treatments and had been home off and on for about a month. We thought the leukemia was in remission, but Saturday night she had to go back to the hospital and they put her in the ICU. Once the doctors looked at all of her blood work they decided the leukemia had returned and there was no chance of curing her. Once that diagnosis was given, Grandpa, my Mom, and her three brothers made the difficult decision to make Grandma as comfortable as possible knowing that she didn't have long to live.
I've been hurting since I found out they were putting her in the ICU. Even throughout her long hospital stay she was fairly healthy, other than having cancer. A week ago she was up and walking and seemed to be doing fine. When I heard they put her in the ICU I knew things must have taken a serious turn for the worse.
I hurt for my Grandpa. I can't imagine watching your spouse of 58 years be in immense pain and having to make the decision to ease her pain, even knowing that would eventually end her life. Now he is facing the rest of his life without his mate. How do you do that?
I hurt for my Mom. She wasn't able to make it to be with Grandma before she passed. Even though she was with her just a few weeks ago, being several states away and not able to see Grandma one last time was difficult for her. Now she has to live the rest of her life without talking to her Mom anymore. I can't fathom not being able to talk to my Mom.
I hurt for me. I lived down the street from Grandma until I was 13 years old. I have the best memories of being down at Grandma and Grandpa's house and all the fun things we got to do when we were kids. I have warm memories of the visits I got to have with Grandma when I got older and how nice it was to be an adult with her. The knowledge that I'll never see her on earth again, never get another hug, never see her smile makes me cry.
But through the pain I have amazing peace. My Grandma was a Christian all of her life. She lived her life in such a way that I know she will receive an eternal inheritance with Christ. And even better is the knowledge that God has provided a way for me to see her again by living my life as He has commanded. So while our time together on earth was not as long as I would have wanted, I rest in the fact that we get to spend eternity together!
I've been hurting since I found out they were putting her in the ICU. Even throughout her long hospital stay she was fairly healthy, other than having cancer. A week ago she was up and walking and seemed to be doing fine. When I heard they put her in the ICU I knew things must have taken a serious turn for the worse.
I hurt for my Grandpa. I can't imagine watching your spouse of 58 years be in immense pain and having to make the decision to ease her pain, even knowing that would eventually end her life. Now he is facing the rest of his life without his mate. How do you do that?
I hurt for my Mom. She wasn't able to make it to be with Grandma before she passed. Even though she was with her just a few weeks ago, being several states away and not able to see Grandma one last time was difficult for her. Now she has to live the rest of her life without talking to her Mom anymore. I can't fathom not being able to talk to my Mom.
I hurt for me. I lived down the street from Grandma until I was 13 years old. I have the best memories of being down at Grandma and Grandpa's house and all the fun things we got to do when we were kids. I have warm memories of the visits I got to have with Grandma when I got older and how nice it was to be an adult with her. The knowledge that I'll never see her on earth again, never get another hug, never see her smile makes me cry.
But through the pain I have amazing peace. My Grandma was a Christian all of her life. She lived her life in such a way that I know she will receive an eternal inheritance with Christ. And even better is the knowledge that God has provided a way for me to see her again by living my life as He has commanded. So while our time together on earth was not as long as I would have wanted, I rest in the fact that we get to spend eternity together!
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