My Crazy Extended Family

I don't know about y'all, but I have a pretty amazing extended family.  We're not perfect by any standards.  Growing up and realizing that all the adults you idolized as a child have their flaws is a hard lesson to learn.  But knowing those same adults as an adult myself is such a great gift. 

The girls and I were able to go to a family reunion from my Mom's side last weekend.  I don't know an exact count, but we probably had around 100 people there at one point.  I got to reconnect with cousins I hadn't seen in a long time, laugh with aunts and uncles, and listen to stories from the great-aunts and second cousins.  I also got to spend time with 3 siblings and their spouses and my parents, which is always a plus.

And as much fun as I had playing games and laughing and visiting, there were also tears.  This was my Grandma's family.  It felt wrong to not have her there.  During all the pictures we took with the big group picture and then individual families, there was a spot next to my Grandpa that should have been filled by Grandma.  And then we all sat and sang songs, something I remember doing at every family reunion.  Something that was always Grandma's favorite thing--listening to her family sing.  I didn't make it through very many of the songs.  But I wasn't the only one crying.  Of the 5 siblings that are our oldest generation now, 3 have passed on.  We all felt the loss.  But the most amazing thing about my family by far, is that we all cling to the hope that we will be able to see our loved ones again some day.  Not every family can claim that.  And I am so thankful to be a part of one that can!

Feelings...

You know you're singing the song in your head too!  I actually don't know that I know more than the first five words of that song!  Nope, just thought about it and I don't know anymore words!

Yesterday Hubby and the older girls and I had a great day.  We decorated the tree, did a little shopping, went to see a movie (Rise of the Guardians is awesome) and then had dinner together.  I enjoyed all of it, but I felt a little weepy all day.  The kind where I felt on the verge of tears almost constantly.  We were going so much that I didn't really try to figure out why I felt that way until after the girls had gone to bed and I had a few minutes of quiet.  And I realized that I was just missing my Grandma.

I don't know what set it off.  Maybe the decorations I put up that used to be at her house?  Maybe it was putting away her picture to put up other Christmas decorations.  Or maybe I am just sad and it has to come out sometimes.  I honestly don't know.  I wish I did.  I think I've mentioned before that this whole grief thing is new to me.  I've found myself lately thinking a lot about Grandma's last days and the pain she was in.  I have a hard time wrenching my mind off of that and remembering better times, when she was healthy.  Is that normal?  I don't know that either. 

But it got me to thinking about all the people who have lost those who they are really close to.  Parents, spouses, children.  I can't imagine that pain.  I loved my Grandma and considered myself close to her, but it wasn't the same as losing someone really close to me.  I have already found myself wishing that it didn't hurt so bad.  How does someone who loses a spouse or a child walk through that pain?  How can they function in the normal day to day life? 

If losing my Grandma teaches me nothing else, I hope that I am able to be more sensitive to those who have lost a loved one.  To remember that while they may look ok on the outside, they are still grieving on the inside.  To remember that the grief process lasts so much longer than most people realize, and to give that person the time and space they need to grieve.  To remember to guard my tongue carefully lest something I say unthinkingly causes more pain.  And to remember to show that person months and years down the road that I have not forgotten their loss.  But most importantly of all, to pray for those who are grieving, as often as I think of them.  That God would grant them a measure of peace as they wade through their new life without their loved one in it and that they would always remember how much He truly loves them. 

I think Grandma would be glad that even in her passing, she is still teaching me how to be a better person.

A family of 4

We are back from our trip for Thanksgiving.  We went up to one of my brothers' homes, which is about half way between us and my parent's place.  All my siblings except for one were there and only one sister-in-law wasn't able to come.  My parents were both there as well as my Grandpa.

I have actually been really looking forward to being together again.  I saw everyone at my Grandma's funeral, but I was ready for us to be together to have some fun.  But I was also dreading it a little bit, just because I thought it would be hard to see Grandpa there without Grandma.

But it was actually ok.  I thought about Grandma a lot, but didn't have a lot of time to spend missing her.  We ate a lot, played a lot of games, the girls got to ride the four wheelers, and just generally enjoyed being together.  We played 9 holes of Frisbee golf, and that was actually a lot of fun.  It was the first time I've ever played and I think we'll be doing it again! 

I, of course, forgot to take pictures.  I'm really bad about that.  So no pictures to show all the fun we had.  You'll have to take my word for it! 

My parents took Baby Girls #3 & 4 back home with them for two weeks.  #3 could have cared less.  She kept telling us, "See you in two weeks!"  I'm sure she'll be ready to come home, but she was so excited to be able to go to Grammy and Pappy's for a while without the older sisters.  #4 wasn't quite as sure about it, but I have no doubt that she'll love the time she spends there too.

It's only been about a day that we haven't had them, but I do miss them a little.  I'm not going to lie--the quiet and the fact that the older two are almost completely self-sufficient has been really nice.  Hubby and I are looking forward to getting to do some things with #1 and #2 that we normally couldn't with the younger girls.  But our family just isn't complete with only four of us.

We'll go back to my brother's house in two weeks and switch out the girls.  Then the older two get to go to the grandparents and we'll have the younger two here.  I'm not so sure I'm looking forward to going back to having just two little ones, but oh well.  It won't be forever!

In the meantime, the older girls are going to help me decorate for Christmas, we're going to go get a tree this weekend, going to a movie and Hubby and I are going on a date.  And that is just this week--we'll have to see what next week holds!

Memorial Service Part 2

I was completely exhausted by the time we got to my aunt and uncle's house Friday night.  Getting up at 4 am, not really sleeping at all for the 12 hours in the car, and a two hour time difference all started to add up.  But once we got to the house I kind of forgot about being tired.  I thought I was prepared for seeing everyone, but I wasn't.  I started crying almost as soon as I walked in the door.  The nice thing is that with the exception of one person, everyone there was family.  And the extra person is like family.  So there was no awkward moments or people being uncomfortable because they don't know what to say.  We were all able to just hug and have that be enough. 

I don't know how many people were at the house exactly.  Well over 40.  And it was loud.  It always is with our family.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.  At one point I was sitting on the couch not currently talking to anyone and I just sat and listened to everyone and had to smile.  That is what our family is all about.  Even in the midst of sadness we can talk and laugh and enjoy each other.  I thought about what Grandma would think if she saw us all together and I could see the smile that would have been on her face.

After a couple of hours some of the extended family left and the immediate family sat down and started talking about memories of Grandma.  We of course talked about her baking cookies.  We almost didn't even have to talk about it, we all had the same memories of Grandma baking her cookies and passing that knowledge down to us.  We shared funny stories about her as a person and about memories the grandkids had.  It was a nice time to sit around and share that with each other. 

My Aunt D shared that one of the nights Grandma was in the hospital and was having a pretty rough time that Grandma prayed she wouldn't be a burden to the nursing staff and that she would be a light to everyone she came in contact with.  That is how I hope I can be if I am every seriously ill.  Grace, compassion and wanting to share Jesus in every situation. 

I was sitting on the floor when we were done talking about the memories and my Mom was sitting across the room with Grandpa and I heard him telling Mom something.  I couldn't make out everything he said but then Mom came over and sat on the floor with me and she told me that on two separate occasions the day before she passed away Grandma told her sister and Grandpa that she could hear the angels singing.  Grandpa said that when they had finally made the decision to give her the pain medication Sunday night he went in to tell her good-night and she was still in a lot of pain but she put her hand on his arm and said, "I can hear the angels singing.  They're so beautiful!"  I had a hard time with that.  I'm so glad she had that experience, but it still makes me sad to think about it.  I honestly don't know why.  Maybe some day I'll figure it out. 

After that my cousin P wanted all the grandkids that were there to make some of Grandma's cookies together.  We all put our hands in the bowl and mixed the ingredients and all shared in putting them on the cookie sheets.  It was a time of laughter more than anything else.  All of us had been taught by Grandma how to make the cookies and it was fun to reminiscence about those times.  And to be perfectly honest, it was fun to stick our hands in cookie dough!

All in all it was just a good time with family.  I was tired and pretty much sleep walking by the time we left around 10, but it was worth it.

One other thing I want to remember.  My sister's boyfriend wrote a really nice post on FB that night after sharing those experiences with us.  It basically said he was amazed at the love our family had for one another.  It really made me stop and think.  Its so easy when you know all the dirty laundry of your family to think that no one is quite as dysfunctional as your family.  But in all reality, even though we have our issues, when it comes down to it, our family does have a great love for one another.  And we are bound even tighter by the love of Christ.  And I am extremely thankful for that! 

Memorial Service Part One

I was debating about what to write about for these next few posts.  I feel like I've been talking about losing my Grandma a lot on here and on Facebook and I wondered if people were getting tired of hearing about it.  I have seen first hand that most people are not comfortable dealing with others grief for very long.  I think it is just human nature.  Even seeing other people grieve causes us pain and human nature is to shy away from anything that causes pain.  Therefore, most people aren't comfortable when you continue to talk about your loss after a few days because it is easier for them for you to grieve in private. 

But then I realized that my whole purpose in writing this blog is to have a record of our family.  The good and the bad.  The more I thought about it the more I realized that I wanted to write down the memories I have of my Grandma's memorial so that I can come back in a year or two years or five years and be able to have a written record of what happened and what I felt at the time.  So, in as condensed a version as possible...

I took off on Wednesday and drove to my brother and sister-in-law's house to stay the night with them.  I'm glad I have a good relationship with both of them and am always able to be with them and feel welcomed.  Traveling by myself was interesting.  I can't remember the last time I drove 5 hours all by myself.  I think I might actually prefer having the girls with me.  Ask me again after I travel with them again.

Thursday my brother, sis-in-law and I drove about 12 hours after dropping off their daughter with another set of grandparents and heading west to meet our family.  The drive was as nice as 12 hours in the car can be.  Again, glad I get along with both of them.

Thursday night I stayed with some friends of ours.  Actually, I consider them friends and mentors and it was really nice to see them for a few hours, even if the reason for it kinda stunk. 

Friday morning we met up with the rest of the family and headed out around 5.  We rented a 12 passenger van and had 8 adults going.  My Dad, myself, aforementioned brother and sister-in-law, another brother and sister-in-law, actual sister and her boyfriend.  Did I mention that I have 5 siblings?  Good luck keeping all of us straight.

The good news is that all of us made it in the van traveling for another 12 hours with no one getting stabbed in the neck with a pencil.  Other than a few complaints about how cold I needed it to be to not throw up in the back, it wasn't a bad trip.  As a side note--I found that after the first few hours everyone preferred my sitting up front to me sitting in the back and freezing them out.  It totally wasn't my intention to spend the entire trip in the front seat.  Not my intention at all.

We arrived about 5 pm Friday night, got everyone else settled in the hotel and headed to my uncle and aunt's house to spend time with family. 

I think that's enough for now.  I'll write about the rest of the trip next time.

For my Grandma

Yesterday and today were rough.  I've been really busy getting the family packed up for a camping trip.  Which has kept me busy, but still, I'm exhausted.  Hubby says I'm probably not sleeping well, which could also account for me waking up the last two days with a headache.  I feel like there is a weight on my heart all the time.  I'll go along and be fine for several hours and then something will hit me and I'll start crying again.

I'm leaving tomorrow to start traveling to the memorial service which will be on Saturday.  Its going to be a long, but really quick trip.  I actually think we'll be driving for longer than we'll be out of the car.  But I get to travel with three siblings, my Dad and various in-laws.  I think will be good for all of us.  As long as they stay out of my space on the car seat anyway!

There have been a lot of memories of Grandma floating around in my head that I wanted to write down.

I remember baking with her.  She always let me help her, even though I know I was more of a hindrance than a help until I got older.  I don't remember her ever getting cross or upset with me when I was helping her, even when I burned six cups of sugar because I was watching tv instead of stirring.

I remember swimming a lot in their pool.  I remember that she didn't get in very often with us, but when she did she would always just sit on a step on the side.  I only learned a few years ago that she was actually terrified of the water.  She never let that show when we were little though.

I remember how cool it was to walk down to Grandma and Grandpa's to spend the night.  Grandma pretty much let me do what I wanted to!

I remember how she always let me play in her jewelry, even though some of it was expensive.  She still has the same jewelry box and I can still hear the sound of the music that would play when I would open the drawer.

I remember having our entire family together at holidays.  Grandma handled cooking for 26 people in a small kitchen with a lot of grace!

I remember once I got older how Grandma would want to "talk" to me.  Sometimes that meant that she had something she wanted to tell me about that she thought I might need to work on, but sometimes it just meant that she wanted a little one on one time with me.  It always made me feel special.

I remember watching Grandma holding my first child, her first great-grandchild.  I remember thinking how glad I was that she was still there to be a part of my children's lives.

I remember how excited she was about sharing a birthday with Baby Girl #3.  I hadn't thought of that until I was looking through pictures last night and saw one of her holding Baby Girl on their birthday.  I am glad that I will always be able to remember my Grandma on my daughter's birthday.

I remember her laugh, how she would throw her head back and just laugh without abandon.  I remember how she would tease and play with us, even when we thought we were too old to tease.

I remember her chocolate chip cookie dough, without nuts, just for me.

I remember the sound of her singing.

I remember her smile.

I remember her hugs and kisses.

I remember her.

I miss you Grandma...