Part 3

I did not think it would take me three posts to get all the way through the memories, but I guess it is what it is.  Almost done...

Saturday morning when we woke up I figured I would have plenty of time getting ready since I didn't have four children to get ready as well, but Mom and I ended up talking quite a bit and Dad ended up calling up the stairs for us asking when we were going to be ready. We weren't actually late, but we certainly didn't have any time to think before we left.  I don't think that was a bad thing.

We got to the church after most of the family, but no one else was there for the funeral so Grandpa wanted to go in the church and look at the flowers that were there.  He was doing ok until he got to the arrangement from him.  The ribbon said "Goodbye My Love" and the card said "Save a place for me."  He was ready to go over to the fellowship hall after that.  Mom was walking with him and it was hard for her too.  I remember not really focusing on anything while I was in there with them.  I saw Grandma's picture they had in there, but I purposely didn't pay much attention.  I remember talking to a couple of my cousins that were in there, but I don't remember what we were doing. 

After that I walked over to the fellowship hall where all the family had gathered.  We were all just kind of standing around talking.  We all seemed pretty calm, I don't remember feeling apprehensive about the service.  Right at 10 the funeral director came over to tell us they were almost ready for us to go over.  Even then I still felt pretty calm and together.  I ended up in the front pew between my Dad and one of my younger brothers.  Walking in felt awkward, knowing that everyone was watching.  Almost as soon as I sat down I couldn't look at anything except the picture of Grandma.  I had a hard time with that.  It was such a good picture of her, exactly what I remember her looking like.  For some reason it all just kind of hit me right then. 

I calmed down fairly quickly, but then they started the slide show.  In hindsight I wish that I would have asked to watch it ahead of time, just to be better prepared.  I liked watching the slide show and enjoyed seeing all the pictures of Grandma, but it was also really sad.  There were a couple with Grandma and my girls and it was a reminder of the fact that my girls will never grow up knowing their Great-Grandma. 

There was congregational singing during the service.  I have never liked being in the congregation during a funeral and having to sing.  It is just hard and emotional and I always wondered why they didn't just have recorded music.  But now that I have been one of the family members I understand.  I wasn't able to sing hardly at all, but listening to the congregation sing, knowing that congregational singing was one of Grandma's favorite things, was very comforting.  I think in the future I'll try harder to sing during funerals for that reason.

A former preacher who has been a friend of the family for as long as I can remember officiated the memorial service.  As soon as I found out he was the one doing it I thought that there couldn't have been anyone better to do it.  And I was right.  He did a fantastic job.  I don't remember much of what he said, but I do remember him extolling the family to not disappoint Grandma and to not disappoint ourselves by not living our lives as God has commanded.  I appreciated him saying that.

A member of the congregation there said a beautiful prayer.  Again, I don't actually remember anything that he specifically said, but I do remember thinking it was a beautiful prayer and so perfect for Grandma's service.  I didn't get the chance to tell him that before he left, so I hope someone else told him. 

My younger brother got up for all the grandkids and told the memories that we had discussed the night before.  He did an amazing job.  I was very proud of him.  My Uncle N got up for Grandma's kids and told their memories as well.  He also did a wonderful job.  Even though most of us had heard the memories before, it was still a special time during the service.

All of the grandkids that were there sang a song for Grandma.  Being my usually bossy self, the night before when we practiced I suggested to everyone else that if they wanted to get through the song that they shouldn't try to look at anyone and to not think about the words they were singing.  Too bad I didn't heed my own advice.  I made it until the last chorus and then I was done.  We also listened to a recording all 16 of the grandkids made back in 1997 when we sang some songs for Grandma and Grandpa.  It was funny listening to all our little voices and also sweet remember how Grandma told me that she listened to that tape quite a bit.

One other thing I remember about the service is that I had moments of thinking, "I'm really never going to see her again."  I think I said this before, but Grandma is the first person I've been really close to that has passed away.  So it was weird being in the service, knowing that it was for Grandma, but still having moments that were so painful they took my breath away because it would hit that this is for real.  Every time I looked at her picture it hurt worse because I thought about how I would never see her smile again or get to hold her hand or hear her voice telling me that Gold Medal flour is the only acceptable flour to use for baking.  Having it hit me like that felt odd, but one of my brothers said the same kind of thing happened to him.

The last song we sang was a poignant moment.  For whatever reason, during that song I was hit with a memory of sitting next to Grandma singing that song.  I heard her alto voice just like she was sitting right next to me.  And I had a vivid memory of her reaching over and holding my hand.  I remembered exactly how soft and cool her hands always felt.  I just closed my eyes and let those memories surround me.  As painful as it was, it also felt good to remember her like that.

Leaving after the service was also really difficult, although I haven't been able to figure out why.  For whatever reason, walking out of the building was one of the more difficult times.  I don't know if it was because it meant everything was final or it was just a buildup of all the emotions or what.  But I wasn't the only one who had a hard time.  The family was able to spend a few minutes together again sharing our mutual grief, which felt right.

All in all I think the memorial service was exactly what I envisioned it would be.  I cried through most of it.  I felt bad for my Dad trying to comfort me on one side and my Mom on the other.  And for my brother who was trying to comfort me and deal with his own grief.  It was really difficult going through that without Hubby by my side.  I've leaned on him as my rock for the last 12 years and to not have him there felt wrong.  On the other hand, not having the girls there was a bit of a relief.  I wouldn't have been able to grieve the same with them there.  And I wouldn't have been able to just do what I needed to do for myself if I was having to be a mom as well.  But I couldn't have Hubby there without also having the girls there.  I honestly don't know if I could do it over if I would do the same thing or if I would have Hubby and the girls there.  I'm content with saying that God knew what I needed for the weekend and provided for it. 

We had a meal after the service.  I was able to see and visit with people that I haven't seen in several years as well as spending some time with a good friend from CA who came.  I was back and forth between the sanctuary and fellowship hall a lot.  I looked at all the flowers and who they came from and just spent time sitting and taking it all in.  I don't remember what time we actually left, but it was in the early afternoon before we all cleared out.

All the family that was left got together for dinner that night.  Grandma's two remaining sisters had been there with us the entire time and I felt like their presence was nice for the family.  It was almost like they were filling a matriarchal role.  The evening was spent with more laughter and noise which was a perfect way to end the weekend.  Hopefully we'll all get to be together again for a family reunion next summer.  It won't be the same without Grandma there, but I think it would make her happy to think about all of us being together.

Our van load packed up and left about 5 am Sunday morning.  It was a long couple of days, but I made it home Tuesday afternoon.  It was good to be home!  I talked with Hubby quite a while and just kind of told him everything and it was very emotional going over it again with him.  And it has been pretty emotional writing all this down as well.  But I think that is a good thing.  I want to remember these things, even the painful parts.  Losing Grandma has been difficult and I want to honor the grief that I've felt, am feeling and will feel in the future. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my mini-series on this.  I will never know who all has read this, but just knowing that I was able to put it all down was healing for me.  I appreciate you sharing in that with me.

ARC